Prologue (2)
My name is Fan Tong. I work as a fortune teller. When doing business at my stall, I use the alias “Fan Tai Sui”1. But since I was cursed, business became very difficult… No, I should say it actually became better, though it’s a nonsense kind of “better”. It gives me complicated feelings. Oh, of course, I can’t leave out the details regarding my curse problem.
Speaking of the incident, there was seriously no justice to it at all! Why am I so unlucky––I call this lady an “aunt” once, and she curses me! She cursed that for nine out of every ten sentences I say, words will be reversed. And it came true! Her face was too mature. Was it my fault I couldn’t tell her age?
So what exactly does this mean? Take this for example. When I see a male customer, I’d want to call him a “mister”, but my mouth will blurt out “miss”. Then he beats me up. What? You say this isn’t serious? This is clearly a crisis! Alright, let me clarify this. No need to thank me. You’re welcome.
It works like this:
“Miss.” I am hit with a painful punch.
“Miss, I didn’t mean to say that. It’s because…” Another punch.
“Miss, please let me explain…” Again.
“Miss…” And again.
“Uhm, Mister…”
“You blind ass. D’you just realize I was a guy?!”
And I get beaten anyways.
That means I have a ten percent chance of saying something normal. But what’s the use! If it only shows up the tenth time, doesn’t that mean I’ve already been punched nine times? Actually, no. Usually, it’s not just one punch near the end. I learned this from experience by the way… but that’s besides the point. Other than the words reversing, what’s worse is that not every single word changes. So even if I try to think the opposite of what I want to say, it’s still useless. I’ve already experienced the superpowers of this curse and the many incredible functions it comes with. Now, I am more than full from tasting its various surprises. Plus, I’m inherently an honest, good guy. Even if the guy’s some gullible idiot, I won’t take advantage of him.
There’s something else that’s tragic too. When the witch cursed me, she told me the curse will only be lifted if I can hold a normal conversation with someone for ??? sentences. Well, when she was saying that important detail, the number, some kid screamed nearby and I missed it. And before I could verify the information with her, she left… Now, who knows what absurd number it could be? Maybe it’s a million, maybe it’s nine billion! Maybe I will rot my tongue speaking for all my seventy cherry blossom springs and still never reach that number! And it’s not like I can just talk to myself either, I have to be speaking WITH another person. With my mouth, everyone’d probably run away after just a couple sentences!
Let me think very calmly. Let me think very, very calmly.
Thanks to this curse, I am still single with no girlfriend. The closest, most intimate friend to me in my life is “the slap” …seriously not something to be proud of.
There’s no helping it. Whenever I want to praise a girl’s beauty, my mouth would blurt out, “You’re ugly,” “You made me lose my appetite,” “You are the most gullible sucker I know,” or some similar others. Because of this circumstance, no girls approach me and I hope none will. If any did, they cannot be normal. I prefer quality over quantity, you know! I can live my life alone anyways! It’s just that I have to apologize to my ancestors for not producing an heir…
Girlfriends I don’t need, but my stomach I must feed. My fortune telling service can only continue. It provides me with opportunities to converse with others as well. So hey, two birds with one stone. Although I do worry about what would happen if I do business with this mouth, this is the only job I’ve had until now. So even if I pass the point of no return, I will still have to try this out.
This brings us back to what I said before. I don’t know why, but probably because my words became all mysterious sounding, and the incomprehensible sentences gave me a true master’s aura, business actually became better! You can call it profiting from a disaster, but I still can’t accept it! Even though everything I spouted is all messy gibberish, it’s beneficial for my business. Doesn’t that mean the fortunes I told before were all wrong? Dammit!
Ok, I have already calmly pondered for a long time, but it seems that that was no help. Is this a dream? Why can’t I wake up? Where is this place?
Whether it’s this white pathway or that person who entrusted me with their2last wish, why do they both feel like a dream?
Now that I think about it, I must feel sorry for that person. Even in a dream, my defect follows me and won’t let go. Made me waste so much time before I could agree to their dying wish. The person looked like they were about to die with their eyes open and could never rest in peace…
…so just what is this place?
If this isn’t a dream, could I be cursed by someone again? Who did I anger this time? I already refrained from addressing my customers lately!
I examined my surroundings then noticed the end of this path. I might as well walk towards it and see. I’m already so unfortunate. What else can scare me?
Walking and walking, I arrived at the exit. When I poked my head out, I discovered that… I am still quite scared.
The attacks used by the two sides fighting each other outside are seriously no joke. The special effects I couldn’t understand, but the exploding meat and blood? I understand that no matter what logic is behind it.
Sigh. God, what should I do now? Should I bet on a winning team? Can I wake up from this dream if it wins? Ahahahahah. Ouch! That guy over there split in half! Can I faint now? Is that even possible in a dream?
“Hurry and come out!”
While the two sides ferociously beat each other to a bloody pulp and I watched them wondering if I should place a bet, a bishounen suddenly appeared in front of me. Standing at a distance, he told me to join the sea of drama…… N… No. It’s becoming more and more like a dream, yet it’s becoming more and more… unlike one.
“No! I don’t have a chicken’s worth of ability! Telling me to go out is the same as telling me to die!”
Heavens! I spoke a normal sentence! It’s so touching to be able to express myself properly, especially during this crucial moment regarding life and death…
The bishounen wrinkled his eyebrows. How odd. I didn’t say anything wrong. Did he not understand me? Even if he didn’t understand, can’t he see my strong will to live?
“What are you talking about? You’re already dead. Didn’t you know, Fan Tong?”
Ah?
What?
Wait wait wait waiiiiiiitttt a minute! I won’t fuss about how you know my name, but how could I have died without knowing it! So is this heaven? Or is this hell? Can I have some hope that this is heaven? Though this place looks nothing like it…
“Lord Luo Shi! Behind you!”
While I was still confused about the whole matter, the bishounen, who I’m guessing is called Luo Shi, dodged to the side with a surprisingly light and graceful step… And in my face came an enormous fireball, flying towards me for full-body contact.
I heard a couple screams and cries, saw the bishounen look at me with a panicked expression on his face, and… because it seriously hurts too much, I can’t broadcast the situation right now. In short, it’s about the same as when three billion dollars worth of cash is pressing on your body, the same ugh feeling that makes you want to cuss. You guys all look so surprised. Can’t someone just come and help me?
I’m already dead. Although I still haven’t accepted the fact or figured out why I died, is there really a need to kill me again?
Next: Prologue(3)
Previous: Prologue(1)
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1Fan Tai Sui: See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tai_Sui
2Their: Yes, it is wrong grammar. But the gender is unknown and “their” is an accept slang for colloquial English, so please do understand!
Translator: Nuddle
Proofreader: Aindra, Xeleio
